awake – on a humid, muggy day.

wondering – what the future holds.

smiling – because my family is alive and near me.

sleepy – as I tossed and turned last night.

I’m into week 12 of the Immunity to Change course offered through EdX at Harvard.   This is my second time through the I2C process and this time is just as productive as the first.

The magic of this process is that it helps you surface an artifact of your personality that drives many of your actions and behaviors.  This artifact is called the immune system by creators Bob Kegan and Lisa Lahey.

I can see real assumptions (some are quite irrational) that drive many of my behaviors.   I2C spends most of the course unearthing these assumptions, the situations that trigger them , the resulting interior experience of emotion and thoughts – and the resulting behaviors .  Once you watch this mechanism in action as if you are sitting in an audience and watching a movie, you are hooked!

So I can describe my immune system in words.  My musing is whether we could visualize these structures.   As I write this, I realize that the I2C instructors use cartoons to exhibit elements of the immune system — (e.g. icebergs showing the “bigger assumptions” looming under the surface).   But I wonder if there is an opportunity to use Ken Wilber’s “Kosmic Address” scheme to graph our immune system. Current state vs. target diagrams, or before and after diagrams- can help us appreciate where we’re headed – or the progress we achieved.   Indeed, the before and after diagram would be a suitable background for the certificate of achievement!

Cold granite walls encased the tiny gate into the courthouse…

She walked through the doors with head hung low – duly chastened as her bag is searched.

– embarrassed for the crime that brought her today

– prepared to endure the pain that is due

– marching up three flights of stairs as she does not feel worthy of an elevator

– she moves to the end of a long line of humanity awaiting justice to be doled out

– a clerk down the hall spots her… white face among the dark… the diamond in the rough…

The clerk coyly calls out the code …

“If you have a private attorney, please come to room 401!”

They all turn to her.

The all know who the clerk is calling…

– and she pauses

… then steps past the brown faces… the frightened eyes… the surrendered hope

– and her tears begin to flow

– and she shudders uncontrollably as she recognizes she is now walking the path she so despises…

– she becomes a white SUV slowly halting traffic along an LA highway with helicopter escort

– a slave owner walking to a fat dinner after a good day at the auction

– a man boarding a bus, barking at a frail woman to yield her seat

and she is escorted into the courtroom by her attorney.

She is the first to see the judge –

He smiles warmly and welcomes her

… and her sickness deepens.

She is granted probation…

for one year she must make a 1 minute phone call on her birth day.

The judge thinks he is setting her free…

but there could not be a worse punishment.

I’ve been a personal development junkie most of my adult life.   It started with an interest in software methodology when I was in my 20s.   That progressed to an interest in (rough chronological order of) agile methods for product development, martial arts, integrative medicine, emotional intelligence, eastern spiritual philosophies, Taoism, Buddhism, QiGong, Aikido, agile methods for building companies, reincarnation, meditation, Integral Theory (philosophy), Immunity to Change, Shamanism and Reiki.

While my inner world was evolving,  I have been building businesses, raising a family, creating new community and trying to figure out my soul’s purpose.

Coming into 2014, a series of events have led me to a new perspective on life and my role in it.   In many ways, I can see more clearly than ever before.   I see the way in which my ego has created a pendulum between mission-driven euphoria and disappointment-driven depression.    I can watch the pendulum now, still feeling it but not being held by it.

The winter months found me moving into a new place with my 19 year old son.  Like the pioneers of old, we are preparing for our full family migration here in the summer.   The snow has been falling frequently and we have more precipitation than usual.   A “Polar Vortex” of extreme cold has descended upon my existence – both environmentally and spiritually.

Ken Wilber (founder of Integral Theory) says that, as a soul ascends the spiral of life, we feel pain more deeply but care less.  Like a shaky hologram projected in a sci-fi movie (or CNN),   I’m holding that perspective these days.   I have faith that what needs to emerge will emerge.    I’m not going to force it.  I’m not going to build a “life map” (yet).

I am going to listen to the wind and feel the blistering cold on my skin.  I am going to laugh when I can and watch with curiosity.  I’m going to love and care and hold those close to me.

I will not force an answer.

It feels like I’m landing on the surface of a new planet rife with gusting

winds, shattering cold and driving snow.